“There is nothing new under the sun.”
When folk discuss and share their story, the life lessons always seem very cliché. At an earlier time in my life, I would have agreed. After some life and reflection*, my perspective has drastically changed. Once you simplify everything you go through, the similarities amongst stories are always prevalent. Why? It’s not because everyone sets out to do and be the same. It’s because we are all humans experiencing a human life. Everyone experiences success in one form or another. Everyone experiences trials and tribulations. The specifics of either experience become less important. Why? Because life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% about how you handle it. Time has shown that there are methodologies (more like mindsets) that have proven to work best when one takes on the journey called life. With that being said, overlap is bound to happen. I’ve used several quotes throughout this, but this is my last one: If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it! What works, works. There should be no shame in using what works, regardless of what others may think or feel.
*Reflection is a helpful way of reeling you back. It can help you identify the things you are grateful for as well as places where you need to grow. You only realize the lessons you learn throughout life through reflection. Making the time can make all the difference.
I had to learn the hard way (several times) that just because people can sit around and laugh with you, listen to your problems, go out with you, chill with you, etc. does not mean they are your friend! People will stay around as long as you feed whichever part of their ego is feeling empty.
How to tell if someone is really your friend or just there for an ego feeding? Well, firstly, if you’re questioning the friendship, that’s a sign in itself. Secondly, pay attention to how they comment/compliment you. A real friend will let you know when you’re doing your thing, when you’re slipping, when you look good (or bad if it applies, but respectfully). An ego feeder will compliment you, but with a tone of hating. An ego feeder will also support any of your bad habits. A friend that is envious of you unbeknownst to you is not a friend, just a fun hater! Last sure sign of an ego feeder is how they defend you when an outsider brings up your name. A real friend defends you and doesn’t let that fly. An ego feeder, on the other hand, will let people say whatever about you, whether it is true or not.
Energy is so important and so contagious. Ego feeders add nothing to your life. They deplete you of your own energy. They can make you unaware of your light and greatness due to them dimming and diminishing it.
I think it is important to note also that a friend doesn’t necessarily equate to a person/people whom you see and talk to everyday. Real friends:
- Check on you
- Love/take care of themselves
- Tell you the truth
- Are genuinely happy for you, not only when they are benefitted
- Listen to you
- Respect you on all levels
- Add to your life
- Challenge you to be your best
- Don’t let you go thru struggles alone
Outgrowing a friendship is like outgrowing anything. So when you realize it is time to let go, do yourself a favor and do it! Trust me, it’ll do you a lot of good. It may hurt but you don’t experience pain for the hell of it.
I really have an ex… It’s a weird feeling to me. I never suspected it to happen, especially in the manner it did. No lack of love or any infidelities (to my knowledge), just a lot of misguided passion. We had our differences, but we always did and yet we still got together and it was great. Until it got bad… Then things never looked up after that point. It hurt so much to fight a losing battle. But my love is so deep, probably to a detrimental point if I let it. And man… I did. I kept getting hung up on the words… ‘I love you’, ‘I’m madly in love with you’, and ‘I want to be with you’. Words mean so much to me. Hearing the right ones kept me a lot longer than they should have. Even once I knew and fully realized the words and actions were not matching up, I kept fighting. Hoping something would change. Hoping for something deeper than the harmfulness that had become our relationship. Then it just got to the point that I had mad love for them still, obviously. I just cared for their well being over my own.
From the beginning it was rocky. Signs can be huge and you still shake them off cause you’ve convinced yourself the feeling and attachment are worth more than your own well-being.
I came out okay though. Heartbroken and a little confused, but that’s just because I cared so deeply. I gained wisdom that I probably wouldn’t have otherwise learned. I’m a lot closer to myself. I know my limits: what things are worth working through and what are just complete deal breakers. ‘Boundaries’ is now a word in my vocabulary that holds a lot of weight in my day-to-day life. I’ve learned that I must protect my energy at all times and costs. No relationship or situation matters more than my well-being.
Be strong enough to let go. When you realize a situation is no longer positively serving you, do yourself that favor and protect your peace.
I’m going to skip the fluff for a minute and just come out and say, I had to lose my damn mind before I could make the necessary changes I needed to.
My anxiety was thru the roof. My actions were sporadic and not in alignment with anything remotely myself. I lost weight. I cried, A LOT. I gave up power to individuals and situations that were no good for me. I stopped eating. I lost my apartment. I looked and felt like death. I was enraged. I was lost.
But God came thru with a soft voice. Like your mom waking you up in the morning on your birthday. The call was sweet and gentle and most importantly, reassuring. This connection made me feel after being numb for so long. The hardest thing at first was learning how to keep the connection. I had such a hard time figuring it out because I assume everything has to be perfect. I asked myself, “what do I say or do?’ ‘who cares anyways?’ then one day I was just like BITCH YOU DO! I just recently stopped struggling with the connection because I found my flow – writing. I write whatever is consuming my thoughts, in my own words and style. Naturally, I ask lots of questions because I have a very literal mind. Explanation is my go to for learning and expressing my deepest thoughts. I’m a perfectionist to a fault. Not being naturally ‘perfect’ at anything I wanted to try was enough for me to not even attempt many things that would have probably greatly enhanced my life. Thru all the bullshit, I learned a pretty big lesson: perfectionism can halt growth a lot faster than any perceived failure.
“Perfection is a disease of a nation”
And being on the subject of things that halt growth, people pleasing is one I feel I should speak on. I could write too much on the subject, and that’s just being completely honest. The lessons, I can elaborate because I like those more:
- You don’t owe anybody, SHIT.
- You don’t have to prove your worth. Your humanity alone is your worth.
- You’re perfectly imperfect. Be you to the fullest!
- You don’t have to spare feelings (if it’s not your intentions to hurt them)
- The right people will love you, for you. Love yourself and put your best self out there with no fear.
I just recently got over my issue with attaching myself to people who are genuinely nice to me. I’m still trying to figure out at what point(s) in my life I felt as though people weren’t nice to me. So much so that I put myself in odd, low-vibrational situations off the basis that the person and all they brought into my life were worth it all because they were ‘nice’. Maybe I never extended the niceness I gave to and craved so much from people, to myself.
Now, I know this should be a STANDARD for anyone I allow to even be in my space and experience my aura. I’m a lot nicer to myself so I know it is literally the bare minimum to expect out of others, on any level.
Now I smile.