my own worst enemy

I’m going to skip the fluff for a minute and just come out and say, I had to lose my damn mind before I could make the necessary changes I needed to.

My anxiety was thru the roof. My actions were sporadic and not in alignment with anything remotely myself. I lost weight. I cried, A LOT. I gave up power to individuals and situations that were no good for me. I stopped eating. I lost my apartment. I looked and felt like death. I was enraged. I was lost.

But God came thru with a soft voice. Like your mom waking you up in the morning on your birthday. The call was sweet and gentle and most importantly, reassuring. This connection made me feel after being numb for so long. The hardest thing at first was learning how to keep the connection. I had such a hard time figuring it out because I assume everything has to be perfect. I asked myself, “what do I say or do?’ ‘who cares anyways?’ then one day I was just like BITCH YOU DO! I just recently stopped struggling with the connection because I found my flow – writing. I write whatever is consuming my thoughts, in my own words and style. Naturally, I ask lots of questions because I have a very literal mind. Explanation is my go to for learning and expressing my deepest thoughts. I’m a perfectionist to a fault. Not being naturally ‘perfect’ at anything I wanted to try was enough for me to not even attempt many things that would have probably greatly enhanced my life. Thru all the bullshit, I learned a pretty big lesson: perfectionism can halt growth a lot faster than any perceived failure.

“Perfection is a disease of a nation”

–Queen Bey

And being on the subject of things that halt growth, people pleasing is one I feel I should speak on. I could write too much on the subject, and that’s just being completely honest. The lessons, I can elaborate because I like those more:

  1. You don’t owe anybody, SHIT.
  2. You don’t have to prove your worth. Your humanity alone is your worth.
  3. You’re perfectly imperfect. Be you to the fullest!
  4. You don’t have to spare feelings (if it’s not your intentions to hurt them)
  5. The right people will love you, for you. Love yourself and put your best self out there with no fear.

 

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